Alive again!

I always wondered if there was something called destiny... where all of us eventually reach no matter which path we take. And I always told myself that such eventuality would befit the plot of a book or a movie... but cannot dictate what rational human beings do - proactively and reactively.

My experiences have helped me to nurture this doubt more and today it has grown large enough to become a belief - that destiny does not exist - what we make out of our lives is in our able hands - at times we venture out to make our dreams a reality, taking one step at a time... and at others we simply let things be.. and make choices at crossroads and reach a destination that may or not have been the ones we would have ideally preferred. But most importantly, it is about making choices and as you would see, it's us who makes them ... destiny, if at all, plays a very sublime role.. nothing which is irreversible.

About one year back, I made several choices too - choices which have shaped my life, my career and my personality over the past year. And this blog is testimony to the fact that I enjoyed none of it. I was made to believe that each of my choices were mistakes - that I shouldn't be where I am, shouldn't be doing what I was doing, shouldn't be craving what I desired... But, Today... I know that I was right... that all my choices were the right ones to make... that am alive again!

Neither Black nor White

At times I am filled with a deep sense of disgust and pity at the way I have been conducting myself. But I never learn. I keep repeating the same mistakes all over again. And then I resolve again, as I have done so many times, that I will not let myself be myself ever again.

There are many things that you learn in a B–School. But for me, it has been a process of self-discovery - a process which has made me aware of the inadequacies within me, a process which has made me realize that the professional world is very different from the world I was used to – that here everything is defined in a different way - that I am very ill-equipped to survive in this world lest I change myself.

Perhaps the most shattering of all these discoveries was the revelation that I am a misfit everywhere. Neither a sportsman, nor a brilliant student, neither a prankster, nor a loner, I find myself lost in an attempt to define what I stand for. I am not emotional, but I do have a heart which cares for others and wants to be cared for in the same way. And, to make matters worse, I got away with all of this in the world that I come from but which find no acceptance in this new world that I have thrust myself into.

But changing yourself is not very easy, especially when you find it hard to believe that you are wrong in the first place. What exactly is wrong in expecting that you are important too in the lives of those who are important to you… what exactly is wrong in expecting that when you work hard, people appreciate your efforts but when you don’t, they make you correct your mistakes....

But there are also a few things which I fail to understand about myself – like why do I have to be so demanding in every relationship… why do I have to feed on others like a parasite till they eventually ward me off… why do I try to force an entry into someone’s life when there is no place for me… why do I have this exaggerated sense of purpose and reason… and why do I still carry that inflated ego which ought to have been punctured umpteen times already….

…and why do I never learn from my mistakes!

Me Hide, You Seek, Again

When life chooses to make you miserable, it can do so in a thousand ways.

It's a terrible feeling when you realize that you were not given the opportunity to prove your worth, though you know in some deep corner of your heart that you deserved it... and that reinforces your belief in yourself... that makes you try harder... to urge yourself forward and defeat 'fate' and write your own destiny.

But what when you realize that perhaps, you are not good enough... that perhaps, you did not even deserve what little you possess... perhaps, you were given an opportunity but you failed... that your dreams are just that... dreams, which would never turn to reality...

Not wanting to make this sound like another maudlin blog, I digress... digress from what I actually feel and want to say.. but would try to say that nevertheless, in a different way.

The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy narrates a story, among many others. That story tells you something about a certain 'Total Perspective Vortex'* which is powerful enough to suck your soul out of your body without actually doing so. What is simply does is to show you how infinitesimally small you are when compared to the universe at large. Now I understand why it can do what it can do?

We dream, we aspire, we want to conquer the world. And, naively, believe that hard-work will sail us through. It will give us the ultimate glory... that which every mortal craves for. I did too.
And, then, after having ruined half my life doing nothing but slogging my ass off, I realize I am on the wrong path. And, add to it the terribleness of whatever I was trying to describe above. If you identify with what I said, maybe, you should start a blog too!

So, what happens next? One option is to damn MBA and flee.... flee to the world that is yours... where you were someone too.. where the Vortex would have failed...
Another option is to fight.. with what little you have... maybe, you will never do great things.. maybe, your dreams would never come true... maybe, you never deserved them after all... but you tried.. you believed.. and maybe, you.... deserve.

*Thanks to Wikipedia for having articles for almost everything under the Sun

Sanity Break

Three days of break from the insanely fast life here... on account of Unmaad, the cultural fest of IIMB.

Hoping to regain some sanity and re-energize my morale, body and mind...

Me Hide, You Seek

There are studs... and then there are some more of them.

Life outside the gates of an IIM looks so alluring now... a world where normal people are not difficult to find.... jostling with you in buses, standing with you in queues outside the bill-payment-counter, carrying bagfuls of vegetables in the sabji-mandi and occasionally haggling with the vendor, laughing at cliched jokes in a movie, snatching away your tiffin-box even before the lunch-break, laughing at you when you trip & fall and then giving you a hand...

You feel at home.. a satisfaction that you belong to this world.. that you can trip and fall... and then get up, shrug (maybe also laugh at yourself) and get going.

But. IIM. Studs. Life gets fucked up!

There may happen small incidents in life which give you profound realizations. Like, in a class of 70 students in 'Advanced Corporate Finance', when you find the class average is 8.6 out of 9, you know you are in deep shit. Studs!

You can choose to trip and fall... but if you can get up, shrug and get going after that, it would be close to a miracle.
And, the system itself discourages you from giving others a hand... the few who are able to rise above such things deserve to be called 'normal'

BTW, the title to this post is not relevant. That is just something I liked.. so it's there. And I kinda thought, it would look nice too. And, yes, if you feel that is not fair... heck! Do I care?*

*This is one of those wonderful things that I have learnt in the past 6 months.. form is more important than substance. Hence, the title!

And thus began 'I'

One among the many here, branded 'privileged' by the world, laughed at by fate, trying to answer the questions that trouble my mind and soul... searching for my 'identity' that seems to have lost itself in this sea of humanity. A guy with average aptitude, but caught in a time and a place where mediocrity is sin.

I close my eyes and feel the power within me.
I look around and feel how powerless I am!

I dream of achieving everything in the world.
I find what little I possess slipping away from me.

I want to love and be loved.
Yet find myself standing alone at every corner.

People call it failure.
I choose to call it 'My Life'

This page is for me! More like ramblings of a nutter... a log of what MBA teaches you and what it doesn't!

I begin by blatantly plagiarizing the URL of this page.. Remember having read on a very popular site "Everything of MBA" and I simply C&P*ed and rearranged it to form my blog's URL.

This place will see many more inspirations... Having accepted mediocrity as a way of life.. I can do so without much self-reproach.. I could have also called this blog "Plagiarism of everything.." but heck! Who cares?**

*C&P is copy and paste
**I am not drunk!