Neither Black nor White

At times I am filled with a deep sense of disgust and pity at the way I have been conducting myself. But I never learn. I keep repeating the same mistakes all over again. And then I resolve again, as I have done so many times, that I will not let myself be myself ever again.

There are many things that you learn in a B–School. But for me, it has been a process of self-discovery - a process which has made me aware of the inadequacies within me, a process which has made me realize that the professional world is very different from the world I was used to – that here everything is defined in a different way - that I am very ill-equipped to survive in this world lest I change myself.

Perhaps the most shattering of all these discoveries was the revelation that I am a misfit everywhere. Neither a sportsman, nor a brilliant student, neither a prankster, nor a loner, I find myself lost in an attempt to define what I stand for. I am not emotional, but I do have a heart which cares for others and wants to be cared for in the same way. And, to make matters worse, I got away with all of this in the world that I come from but which find no acceptance in this new world that I have thrust myself into.

But changing yourself is not very easy, especially when you find it hard to believe that you are wrong in the first place. What exactly is wrong in expecting that you are important too in the lives of those who are important to you… what exactly is wrong in expecting that when you work hard, people appreciate your efforts but when you don’t, they make you correct your mistakes....

But there are also a few things which I fail to understand about myself – like why do I have to be so demanding in every relationship… why do I have to feed on others like a parasite till they eventually ward me off… why do I try to force an entry into someone’s life when there is no place for me… why do I have this exaggerated sense of purpose and reason… and why do I still carry that inflated ego which ought to have been punctured umpteen times already….

…and why do I never learn from my mistakes!